Dowcipy i kawały rowerowe po angielsku

Phone call to a bike shop twenty-some years ago:

{ring-ring}
Dealer: Hello, Bike Shop.
Consumer: Hey, Joe. It’s Bob. I need a front derailleur for my bike.
D: Sure, Bob. Clamp or braze-on?
C: Clamp.
D: Nuovo Record or Record?
C: Probably Nuovo.
D: Yeah, we have ‘em in stock, stop on by.
C: Great. Say Joe, I'm a bit strapped for cash, can you work me a deal?
D: Hmm. Tell you what, I’ll put it on for you at no charge, the brand
of beer you bring me will decide the final price!
C: That sounds good, I'll see you soon.
{click}

Phone call to a bike shop today:

{ring-ring}
Dealer: Hello, Bike Shop.
Consumer: Hello, hello. Sorry, bro, my cells breakin’ up. There. Dude, like, I need a front derailleur for my bike.
D: Sure. Mountain or road?
C: Road?!?! What’s that?
D: Ah, right. Compact or standard?
C: Compact.
D: Top pull or bottom pull?
C: Top pull.
D: Top swing or bottom swing?
C: Top Swing, I think.
D: 28.6, 31.8 or 34.9 clamp?
C: What?
D: The clamp size, do you need a 1 1/8, 1 1/4, or 1 3/8 inch clamp?
C: Oh, uh, no clamp. I'm told I need one on some kind of plate thing.
D: Oh, you mean an e-mount style?
C: Yeah, sure, whatever you say, bro.
D: Do you need a bolt-on e-clamp mount also, or does your frame already have a threaded mount just above the bottom bracket?
C: I don't know, Dude. I just got this frame off e-bay and I want to build it up.
D: Well, Dude, you'll need to know if there is already an e-clamp mount, or if you need to add a clamp-on mount.
C: No, Dude. I told you I don't need a clamp-on, I need the one on a plate.
D: I know, I know. Look, e-mount derailleurs are held on by the fixed cup of the bottom bracket, but they also bolt to the seat tube to
keep them from spinning about the bottom bracket, that bolt either goes into a threaded post that is already on your frame, or you need to add a clamp-on threaded post if there isn't one already on the frame.
C: Uhhhhhhhhhh......................
D: Never mind. What kind of frame is it? Maybe we can figure out if it already has the mount or not.
C: It's a Radical Huck F%$ker.
D: A what? Hmm. Sorry, never heard of it.
C: Never heard of a Radical Huck F@#ker? Duuude, it’s only like the best new full suspension design out there. Blows everything else off the map!
D: I'm sure it does...Dude!
C: Look, I just want to get a freakin' front derailleur for my frame, can't you special order one or something?
D: Yeah, I'm sure we can, why don't you stop by with the frame so we can have a look to make sure we get the right one ordered up for
you. I may even have one in stock.
C: Uh, yeah. I suppose. But Dude, if you had to guess, what do you think would work?
D: Well, I'm guessing a Shimano XT or XTR e-mount may work, you may
also need to add a Problem Solver e-clamp if your frame doesn’t
already have a mount on it.
C: Cool, I’m gonna try GreyMarketNoMarginOffShoreBikeParts.com first, they probably have the new ‘03 ones on close-out anyway. Late'!
{Click}
D: F@#*%&$CK!!!!

"I've really had it with my dog: he'll chase anyone on a bicycle."
"So what are you going to do - leave him at the dog's home? Give him away? Sell him?"
"No, nothing that drastic. I think I'll just confiscate his bike."

My granny started cycling at 97 years old. She has been doing ten miles per day - and now we don't know where the heck she is!

A tandem rider is stopped by a police car. "What've I done, officer?" asks the rider.
"Perhaps you didn't notice sir, but your wife fell off your bike half a mile back . . ."
"Oh, thank God for that," says the rider - "I thought I'd gone deaf!"

Did you hear about the cyclist who used viagra eye drops? They made him look hard!

Mary had a bicycle
She rode it on the grass
Every time the wheel went round
A spoke went up her ....

I was speeding down a narrow, twisting, mountain road. The woman was driving very slowly uphill, honking her horn and shouting at me: "PIG! PIG!!". I flipped her the finger and shouted back "BITCH! COW!!". Then I collided with the pig!

"Where's your bicycle Vicar" I said, (because it was the first time I had seen him walking in 10 years!). "Don't know, I think it might have been stolen, but I will get it back on Sunday" he replied. "At my next sermon I will go through the ten commandments. When I get to 'thou shalt not steal' God will sort it out, I've got faith"
The following week, sure enough he was riding the bike again. So I asked him if the ten commandments thing had worked as planned: "I got as far as thou shall not commit adultery.......then I suddenly remembered where I left the bike.."

Two Nuns were riding a tandem along Wapping Warf in Bristol. The Nun on the back seat (the stoker) remarked "I've never come this way before", the reply "Must be the cobble stones"

A piece of motorway and piece of dual carriage way are enjoying a drink in the pub. In walks a piece of red tarmac. The motorway whispers to the carrageway "Come on lets drink up and go before the trouble starts; He's a cyclepath!"

Did You hear the one about the cyclist who didn't know he had diarrhoea until he removed his bike clips!

An English cyclist, a Scottish cyclist and a Jewish cyclist went for a meal. When the waiter appeared with the bill, the Jewish cyclist said "I?ll pay": The headlines the following day read "Scottish ventriloquist found dead in ditch"

An over zealous traffic cop stopped the vicar on his bicycle: After checking the bike thoroughly and finding nothing wrong he had to let the vicar go: "You will never arrest me because God is with me wherever I go" said the vicar. "Right then" (said the cop) "I?m nicking you for carrying a passenger on a single seater vehicle!"

A Cyclists Prayer: "Dear God. If there is such a thing as reincarnation then please may I return as a ladies bicycle seat"

A cyclist was stopped by customs. "What's in the bags?", asked the officer, pointing to his panniers. "Sand," said the cyclist. "let me take a look", said the cop. The Cyclist did as he was told, emptied the bags, and proving they contained nothing but sand, refilled the bags, and continued across the border.

A week later, the same thing happened, and continued every week for a year, until one day the cyclist with the sand bags failed to appear.
A few months later, the cop saw the cyclist living it up downtown. "You sure had us foxed", said the cop. "We knew you were smuggling something across the border. I won't say a word - but what was it you were smuggling? ..... "Bicycles!"

Why can't a bicycle stand up on its own?
Because it's too tyred!

A tired cyclist stuck his thumb out for a lift: After 3 hours, hadn't got anyone to stop. Finally, a guy in a sports car pulled over and offered him a ride. But the bike wouldn't fit in the car. The driver got some rope out of the trunk and tied it to his bumper. He tied the other end to the bike and told the rider: "If I go too fast, ring your bell and I'll slow down."

Everything went well until another sports car blew past them. The driver forgot all about the cyclist and put his foot down. A short distance down the road, they hammered through a speed trap. The cop with the radar gun and radioed ahead that he had 2 sports cars heading his way at over 150 mph. He then relayed, "and you're not going to believe this, but there's a cyclist behind them ringing his bell to pass!".

Do you realise you have left your shorts at home?" I said as I rode along side a rather exposed looking cyclist... "Yeah it was the wifes idea" he replied "Last week I went out without my jersy and finished up with a stiff neck!"